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Loneliness and connection in men 💖✨🪶
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Dear community I was supporting the welfare tent at Medicine Festival last week, and I noticed a pattern among some of the people who came into the space. Many of the women who sought support named quite directly that they were overwhelmed, lonely or needed some support. A number of the men arrived differently. They’d wander in making jokes. Or say they were “just checking the place out.” I’d give them a cup of tea. They’d stay. And then, once they’d relaxed, something would shift. The jokes would soften and they’d start talking about what was really going on. It made me wonder: What have many of us as men learned we need to do before we’re allowed to ask for care? Do we joke? Pretend we’re just curious? Find a reason to be there? Are we silently holding? Wait until someone offers us the cup of tea? And how often do we actually stop? Stop doing. Stop achieving. Stop fixing. Stop trying to be useful. And actually sit with what we’re feeling. Perhaps.... We’re scared.... We think that if we open something up, there’s no going back... We’ve experienced vulnerability being weaponised or interpreted as weakness.... We haven't learnt how to acknowledge and express anger without either suppressing it or causing harm. I certainly am still learning this... We’ve internalised so much that we genuinely don’t know what’s going on inside us... We've caused harm in the past and finding it hard to vocalise what is present... Sometimes we might just need someone to make us a cup of tea and give us permission to stay for a while. So this summer, if you’re a man and you want to talk, even if you don’t really know why, I’m here. Can we have a chat, even if you don't know why? https://calendly.com/mo-belonging-people/connect And from 1 September, I’m holding a small, intimate men’s circle. Not because I’ve figured all this stuff out. Quite the opposite... I want to explore how we decolonise ourselves. How we become more emotionally attuned. How we build better relationships with ourselves and become better partners, fathers, friends and leaders. I want us to examine our relationships with achievement, masculinity and ego. I do this partly because my marriage would have been really different if I’d understood some of my own patterns earlier, owned my flaws and known myself better. And because I want my son to grow up with a better role model. This isn't only about men feeling "better". How we relate to our emotions affects the people who love us, work with us and live alongside us. But I also want to roll around in the grass more. I want to play more. Dance more. Laugh more. Cry when I need to. And care less about whether any of it is “manly”. You’ll have your own version of play... I want us to be full of life energy, and to put our egos aside a little more, for ourselves and for the people we’re in relationship with. So that’s the space I want to create. A place where we can say things we wouldn’t normally say. Where we can laugh a lot. Where we can cry when we need to. And where, together, we can SFTD: Slow The F Down. For some of you, simply choosing to spend intentional time with other men might itself be an edge. It is for me too. The world doesn’t need tougher men. It needs less isolated and more tender ones. The men’s circle begins online on 1 September. More here - menscircle.carrd.co And if the whole programme isn’t for you, I’m also holding a standalone two-hour in-person session 22 October in London 7pm-9pm. Or just message me: mo@theinnovation.org.uk Even if you don’t quite know why you want to talk.
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Mohammed Ali (The Innovation)
If you are working on social impact and social justice this is a newsletter to energise your journey - sign up by adding your email below
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